Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
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[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Squirrels before girls.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me: