Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Mhm.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
