Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
