Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time