Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

getting seasonal up in here

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.