Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
You Might Also Like
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
meow
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder