Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

love pickles so much i put myself in one

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*