Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

🤣🤣

Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

Pringles

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????