Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
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Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.