Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

If you’re testing me, we failed.

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

Florida be like…

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars