Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

plums roundup

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.