Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.