Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…

Ooooooh.

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

lmfao

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.