Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
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[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.