Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
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My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
when someone rings the doorbell
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
My Guy
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Mornin
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters