Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bro what is this

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

Still a very good boi….

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

Toxic snake

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse