@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, why do you have to go to work everyday?
Me: Do you like clothes?
Daughter: Not really
Me: Shut up

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@Dawn_M_

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

@_elvishpresley_

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

@aksorojas

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

@Disalmanac

Today in 1892, JRR Tolkien was born. He wrote about all the horrible things that will happen if you put a ring on it.

@gogglepossum

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

@ZaraEatWorld

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

@tat2dsoccermom

So, this co-worker stated that she makes ice cubes with her leftover alcohol. I’m confused. What’s leftover alcohol?

@ChaseMit

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

@juliussharpe

Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don’t want to look at you.