Daughter: Daddy, why do you have to go to work everyday?
Me: Do you like clothes?
Daughter: Not really
Me: Shut up

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If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.


CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time


sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.


Today in 1892, JRR Tolkien was born. He wrote about all the horrible things that will happen if you put a ring on it.


Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]


I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.


So, this co-worker stated that she makes ice cubes with her leftover alcohol. I’m confused. What’s leftover alcohol?


My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.


Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don’t want to look at you.