Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
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*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
*checks Timeline*…
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
…..pretty much.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.