Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
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Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I’m already scared