Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
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#Caturday
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Buck naked
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.