Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
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WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Do one thing every day that scares people.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?