“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
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Seems a bit forward
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.