Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
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my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
No one :
Me when I swimming :
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that