daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
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Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
The median voter
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
found a horse’s reddit account
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!