daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
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Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops