daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
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My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Autocorrect completely socks
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.