Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

Investing in beetcoin

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.