Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

When you put it that way… 😂

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

you know what ruined my childhood? children