Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

Monday

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*