Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

i wonder why they stopped looking

WTF

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through