Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

nature’s most graceful animal

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

This is my brand.

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself