Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

Super Hand Dog Face

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

I love art.

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL