Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
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My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Mike is short for Micycle
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*