Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
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Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions