Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

“Does this look infected?”

*points to the entire world*

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra