Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too