[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

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My husband always knows I got my period by how I wear white dresses and twirl in fields, then swing for hours and hours while laughing.


I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.


Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs


*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
*goes to kitchen*


[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”


I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.


A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-


Goal weight: “are you ok, you look sick”


date: and then after traveling to Iceland I decided to get my MBA



me: I went to Arby’s 7 times yesterday


If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear