[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
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My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Wake me when AI does housework
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
This is enough internet for the day.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike