Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

my love language is being sent money

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

Never deleting this app.

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.