Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

All is fair in drunk and war.

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t