The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
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[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Life hack
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’