Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
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ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.