Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
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Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit