Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.