Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob