DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
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Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Not all heroes wear capes.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today