Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
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Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Has science gone too far?
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*