Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
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Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
#ParentingFacts
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?