Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
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My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
let’s discuss
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
*has no idea what a book even is*
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Please vote for people who are attractive
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents