Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
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Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
peak technology
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Cat or sheep
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you