Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
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[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
something like this could probably happen to anyone
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there