Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
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“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
cause of death:
autopsy.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*