Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
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In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Just organising my finances.