Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
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I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*