Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
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“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
He-man has a Masters degree
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
Sharon, call the vet
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
