Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

I’d hang this in my house.

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!

Me: Sucks for you…

Kid: What?

Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!

Spotted in the wild

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket