Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.