Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
October already? What’s next? November????
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
knights of the ikea table
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that