Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

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When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.


Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday


I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.


me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it


I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”


Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.