When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
You Might Also Like
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.
Babies cry so that we can remember where we left them.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
You should never laminate your kill list.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
can I use a minion as a tampon
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.