Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

yeah not falling for this one

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

There is no “we” in chocolate.

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes