Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

Software Development ⛵️

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.