DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
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Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids