Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

“Huge”.

Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?

Good times.

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

I hope google does well on my son’s test

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.