Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
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The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
😂💯
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Uh oh…
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.