Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

A choir of Spring onions

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

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