Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena