Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
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Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too