Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
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A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.