Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Did…did a minotaur write this

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow