Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out