Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
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Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.