Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

So sorry

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

How to properly lift a body

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

Still a very good boi….

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.

He is just living hist best little life 😊

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?