Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order